I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
