Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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