Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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