my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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