I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
