Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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