I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
