Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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