4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
