The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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