I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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