Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
