Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
