I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm too high and old for this...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize