I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
