I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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