I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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