Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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