I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
