you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
