I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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