Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
