I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
