i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
