Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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