I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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