I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
