Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
