just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
