I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
