her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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