I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
