the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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