I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
