Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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