maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
