how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
