this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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