dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
