Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
