That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize