..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
