dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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