i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
