I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
