two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
