i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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