He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
