Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize