it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
