3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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