party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
