i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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