a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just sent this text using only my big toe
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
