First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
