I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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