Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
