I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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