you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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