If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
