I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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