Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I am mentally ready for anal.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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