Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
my liver is dry heaving
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
